Pee-Free Bags

I haven't frequented the Ladies' room enough to draw any meaningful conclusions, but Men's bathroom floors are disgusting.

There are pee drippings all around the urinals. I almost wish my shoes didn't have grooves in the bottoms as I imagine the pee seeping into the rubber crevices waiting to be absorbed onto my foyer carpet. But then again, without the grooves, I'd be more likely to slip in the piss and take a knee in the yellow flood.

And because we men don't use the sit-down toilet as much, I often think we haven't developed the appropriate public throne etiquette. I see streaked seat protectors half flushed down the toilet. I see used toilet paper thrown on the ground.

So I get it: the floors are nasty as hell. But what is the solution when we have shopping bags, and we have to use the facilities? I usually just bite the bullet and try to find some dry spot in the bathroom, far away from the toilet, usually near the sinks.

But in a Southern California mall a few weeks ago, I saw a man putting his newly purchased clothing items on the diaper changing station. Is that actually better than putting it on the floor? The diaper changing station is a table designed to contain poop and pee pee within its borders. And not just any poop, but rampant, baby feces. I mean, the bathroom floor may or may not have poop on it, but the baby table definitely does have poop on it: that's its job.

As I carefully snapped a picture, I imagined an East-LA gangster getting the wrong idea as I snapped a photo in the bathroom.

Where are we supposed to put our bags? I propose a system of elaborate hooks in the entryway of public restrooms, and Satan will have a special place for those who choose to pilfer the bathroom bags from their sacred, poo-free hooks.