All You Can Eat Crab Night...

is a bad night to woo a woman. A few nights ago, my buddy and I stopped for an impromptu dinner at a seafood buffet. "Hey, man, pull over. I could go for some crab and fish and shit." My friend made a convincing argument.

Buffets not on the Strip or an Indian reservation are usually pretty bad, so my buddy and I didn't expect first-class food or high-class customers.

But then our server brought us our waters, and in a seafood buffet of low-caliber people, she was lovely Excalibur.

She wore her hair in a bun to keep it out of the food, but you could tell it was beautiful. Her hair was brown like the color of sand right after the ocean receded with the tide. She had calming seafoam green eyes, and hands as gentle as seaweed. Even though there were seven other servers wearing identical uniforms, she wore that navy shirt and khaki uniform in a way that drowned me.

32 crabs legs later, we were ready to leave. But on the way out, I realized that I had to say something to this girl beyond, "Yeah, we have everything we need."

I walked up to her and initiated the conversation by talking about how great the crab was. After about 30 seconds of filler material, I made my move. Through my sheepish smile, I told her that I thought she was pretty, and I asked if she would like to get a drink after her shift.

"I'm sorry, but no." No excuses. Pure denial. I respect that.

She saw me digging through mediocre crab wearing one of those seafood bibs. She saw me using the crab's own claws to extract the meat like I was a neanderthal discovering a tool. She saw me hunched over my plate sucking on crab legs like they were straws. And when I confessed to her, I think I had bits of carapace stuck to my chin.

A charming man would have forgone the meal and spoken to the woman without the crab stink clinging to his clothing. But I'm no charmer...plus, I wasn't about to waste $8.99. I guess the cheap seafood buffet cost me an entrance fee and a date with Tethys herself.

Needless to say, Saturday night dinner, at best, will be with a male buddy.