If a Denny's Was a Woman...

If a Denny's was a woman, she would be the annoying girl in your upper-division undergraduate class who raised her hand to every question. She never said anything particularly interesting, and when she spoke, you rolled your eyes as if to say, "I'm so much smarter than you."

The professor read a quotation from the text and asked a question to a quiet classroom. Most of the students, like you, didn't do the required readings, so the question was as difficult as the crane game in the lobby of the Denny's. But as predictable as the maroon benches and brown carpet, the girl raised her hand and "answered" the question in an insufficient manner.

You didn't have a better answer for the professor, but you knew her answer was ridiculously off-topic and nonsensical. That's like eating at a Denny's: you knew something better existed, but because you were unprepared for the question of where to dine, you were stuck with the annoying girl's Denny's answer.

She was dumb to be sure, but she was pleasing to the eye like the entree pictures on the menu. Her blond hair was as silky as the melting butter on your short stack. Her skin was caramel like the Denny's coffee mixed with five creams. And her lips, the origin of her inane comments, were as shiny as the top of a sunny-side-up egg yolk.

How is it possible that a girl who comes to every single class can be so annoyingly dumb? How is it possible that a Denny's in the most awful location between a crack den and a sewage plant creates enough revenue to stay open 24 hours a day? Those are the hidden questions of the disgustingly cheap Grand Slam Breakfasts.

But that's the worst part though: Grand Slams are sometimes sexy and appealing under the influence of hunger. The worst part about that girl: sometimes she is attractive. She's always stupid, but sometimes her $5.99 appeal is tempting.

I mean, Denny's sausage and bacon and eggs aren't terrible, they are just horribly unsatisfying. The girl in your class was equally unsatisfying: when she spoke, you didn't know whether to slap her or make out with her. And that's just like Denny's: sometimes the greasy sausage and egg dishes are disgusting, but other times, you just want to put them in your mouth.