What's Up With Live Scan?

The first time I was asked to get a Live Scan was for a job in Sacramento. Live Scan sounded so official with its procedures and regulations. I felt like I was joining the elites of employment. Even the futuristic name "Live Scan" sounded like something from Minority Report.

Boy, was my intrigue crushed.

I went to the Davis PD, and a balding obese man was my technician. He mouth breathed all over my palms, and the dirt under his unclipped fingers looked like he was housing worms in his nail beds. The machine itself looked like an 90's copy machine, hardly something from a Spielberg film.

Since that first time, my Live Scan experiences have only gotten stranger. One time, I drove out to a building behind a dilapidated Taco Bell for my fingerprinting. The tech had a greasy pony tail and the machine was covered with those grocery store, $0.50 "Homies"stickers. The unprofessionalism was aggravated by the man's examination of my ID during which he called me "Ben" (My real name does not have a B, E, or N).

My most recent Live Scan, today, took place in a closet next to the main elevators. I'm not one to be overly paranoid about identity theft, but my SSN number strewn about the main foyer of H building?

With ungloved tentacles, the girl caressed my fingers over the disgustingly sticky scanning plate. I began to worry that a sex offender—deviant hands and all—was the client she serviced right before me. And through some kind of pervert-technician germ chain, I may now have unwanted fluids on my hands.

Live Scan is super important for safety; I get it. But why must these operators be so unprofessional? Can we not hire technicians that have people skills? the ability to read legal documents? the desire to brush their teeth?