Belief

I never had a traumatizing, "Santa-isn't real" experience. I never found the fluffy red suit under my father's bed. I never saw my mom placing the presents under the tree.

There were clues and inklings that, over time, compiled into a general disbelief in Santa. My step-father's swooping letters looked eerily like Santa's festive signature. I once received a Santa gift that was left off the letter I sent him. And as I got older, Santa became an object of ridicule in the school yard; I would nod along, adding a "Santa's hella fake" even though the question still rested, unresolved, in my Christmas spirit.

And I believed my way through childhood never having the one definitive destruction that so many of my peers experienced.

On a Christmas Eve walk with my mother today, she reminded me (like she does every year) to "go to bed early so Santa can come and deliver his gifts." There was a coy smile on her face, almost a flirtation, and she radiated holiday energy like mistletoe in a foyer. Though she and I both knew my true belief in Santa faded long ago, she still made efforts, perhaps for her own nostalgia, to have fun with the mystique and Romance of Santa.

As a 25 year old, I've learned to live life without Santa Claus, but I've also learned to see Mom as a special mom. All those years, she worked hard preserve a happy belief inside me. She thought quickly, and she acted quickly to quell any potential threats to my innocent holiday spirit. Though I never give her credit for being smart, she outsmarted me for years. Though she is not religious, she gave me faith in Santa.

And on December 18th, the last day before winter break, two of my 13-year-old students, bordering on the edge of their Santa beliefs, were arguing about Santa. Their voices climbed exponentially, and each stubbornly gripped their mutually exclusive viewpoints on Santa's existence. I was packing my desk for the two-week break when they came to me with "What do you think?" about the subject. All I could do was smile, coyly, and radiate holiday spirit as I replied, "Go to bed early and see."