When My Dog is Going Poo...

is a bad time to woo a woman. It was one of those unfortunate days where my poor dog was cooped up in the apartment for 9 hours straight. When I unlocked the front door, he immediately ran to the foyer, ignoring me completely, and stared at his leash hanging on his "Hug a Pug" hook.

Being a stubbornly territorial dog, I knew he had to poo urgently when he only marked one bush before arching his back and relaxing his behind. I reached into my coat pocket and began uncrinkling an old Safeway bag. As I was checking for holes in my plastic-bag pooper scooper, I noticed a girl walking in the park. And with my fecal-laced luck, she happened to be the adorably captivating girl that lives in B building.

In keeping with the season, yet fashionable, she wore a baby blue hoodie zipped halfway. And with the oscillating San Jose winter weather being on the rise, she wore those trendy shorts that had "SJSU" printed on the seat. Her rusty red hair was in a half-pony tail, and she walked quickly with her toned physique that implied she was exercising.

We've exchanged glaces across the courtyard before, and I once tried to talk to her, but the gate to our complex snapped shut too quickly. So when she gave an arm-akimbo, coy wave in my direction, I was a flutter.

Only then did I remember I was holding a Safeway bag.

She was about 50 feet away. Should I meet her halfway and leave the poo until after my courtship? But maybe she saw my dog "do the deed"; she would think me socially irresponsible for leaving the litter on the ground.

30 feet. Pick up the poo? Pick up the poo and have concentric circles of funk around me as I spoke to her for the first time? Have the curling smell of excrement associatively tied to the first impression of me?

10 feet. I surrendered. I embarrassingly snatched the poo off the ground. My nervous grip tighter than usual. The feces gently squished between my fingers thinly gloved by plastic. She was close enough to vocalize a greeting, but, instead, I waved sheepishly. And as fast as I could walk without looking like I was retreating, I shuffled away dragging my confused dog behind me.

There will have to be another day to invite her to a Saturday-night dinner.