If Lucky Charms Were a Woman...

If Lucky Charms were a woman, they would actually be two women: one woman, the object of your affection, with whom you are enamored, and one "third wheel," her best friend, with whom you are annoyed.

The object of your affection is as beautiful, sweet, and petite as those hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers, and blue moons, pots of gold, and rainbows, and the red balloons. But her best friend third wheel, who tags along on all your dates, is as annoying as the toasted bits of oats that ruin your marshmallow breakfast experience.

No cereal is as intoxicating and sobering as Lucky Charms. And no date is as electrifying and numbing as a date with a beautiful woman and her boyfriendless best friend.

You pour a bowl of that General Mills flagship cereal hoping you shook the box just enough that more marshmallows than oat bits fall from the bag. But of course, your bowl is tainted with the color of pasty brown instead of the chalky but oh-so-sweet colors of the rainbow.

You take the object of your affection to dinner hoping that you made it clear enough that it was a "romantic" evening. But of course, your opportunity to show her how sexy you are is tainted with the awkward and momentum-killing comments of the best friend.

General Mills: clearly your Lucky Charms are marketed to parents hoping to provide their children nutrition and good times. So why not make a separate cereal that contains only marshmallows and market it to the adults of the world? The adults that don't mind an intimate date with the object of their affection. The adults that want to be alone with the marshmallows because they have something more sensuous in mind: eating a bowl of the sweetest cereal with the lights off. And with no third wheels to ruin the best laid plans, we can finally get Lucky...Charms, that is.