Fruit Cocktail

It's too late. The expiration date on the bottom is 2/2009. Canned fruits have expiration dates years in advance. Like batteries. Or condoms.

I've stored this 6-pound can for three years, never piercing the lid with the circular edge of a can opener simply because the idea of a fruit parade, waiting just for me, in a light syrup is too appetizing.

The grapes are my least favorite; they are too squishy and wrinkly like I imagine the eyeballs of a corpse would burst in my mouth. I eat them first, just to make room for the divine pear chunks. Ah, the pears. So crisp and sweet. Fillet minion textured with nectar-sweet juices. Even though the grapes are nasty, they are necessary. In the wake of their consumption, rises, like the penitent phoenix, the glorious pear.

I'm so sad. I had to throw away my big can.