Where Is My Tasteful Disney Shirt?

Sometimes I wish I was a middle-school girl. Not because transforming into a girl would be some groundbreaking gender study. Not because becoming young again would mean more years to live. No, I want to be a girl so I can wear Disney paraphernalia.

Now, in my defense, I would be happy to stay an adult man if Disney made decent men's clothing (boys clothing doesn't count). But they don't, so I'm stuck secretly wishing upon a star for a socially acceptable situation where I could wear a shirt with Belle, Ariel, Aurora, and Mulan across my bust.

I think Disney as a clothing company drastically underestimates the demand for men's, Disney-themed attire. I'm not talking about the unabashed Disney whoring of t-shirts in The Disney Store; I'm talking about tasteful clothing. Think of the artwork for the Disney musicals "Beauty and the Beast" and "The Lion King." They are both stylin' and Disney-oriented. But other shirts with that necessary mixture just don't exist.

When it comes to Disney prints, I say, that smaller the better. Subtle and understated. What about a two-inch Chip and Dale doing their signature jig on the front of a shirt? How about a tangerine-sized lamp with unmistakable blue-Genie smoke wafting from the spout?

I think Disney has largely been unsuccessful with adult clothing going mainstream because the shirts and pants are too ostentatious. Disney movies gave us ethics, aesthetics, and charm. Why can't Disney make a shirt that caters to the values they instilled in us? "GRUMPY" in big bubble letters with a three-foot, dwarf face printed on the front of an XXL shirt? What man would want to wear that?

Some of my girl students haven't even seen Sleeping Beauty or Snow White, and yet they have their likeness plastered all over their binders. Why not make products for the people who truly understand and love Disney characters? I'm a man, dammit, and I dig on Disney too!