Claire's

Dear reader, please don't ask me why I was in Claire's for 20 minutes today. Claire's is that horrid store in the mall with a storefront splattered with pictures of 12-year-old girls and signs that read, "FREE EAR PIERCING."

I don't usually find myself in the market for cheap jewelery or adolescent-girl products, but I have to admit, there was some interesting, albeit strange, stuff in this store.
















What is up with chapstick? These flavors are very strange. They're strange because they're too specific. I mean I have Orange Dream Machine Jamba lip balm, but I still consider that to be generic "orange" lip balm, not as specific as cereal-flavored lip balm.

All joking aside, I can hop on board with the Nestle, Apple Jacks, and Pillsbury lip balm, but Cheez-It? Cheez-Its are for male camaraderie and obesity—Cheez-Its should not be associated with anything sexual. I wouldn't want to kiss a girl who tasted like Cheez-Its; that would be like kissing my brother while he watches basketball on Sunday afternoons. Cheez-Its are fairly gross even in their purest food form. I can't imagine the Cheez-It making a successful transition to the cosmetic genre.




















So sue me. I tried on some of the jewelry. It started with a ring. I swear I just wanted to see how tight a ring designed for a teenage girl would be on my stubby fingers. But once I had the ring, I had to try on some other stuff. I never get to wear necklaces, so I had to pick the most ostentatious one I could find. Considering this store isn't really selling "bling," I had to go with the gold heart. I needed the bracelets to complete the look.

While I was looking for my accessories, the employee in the store kept looking at me like I was going to steal something. Yes, I admit it: I chose my jewelery with discretion. I'm not about to grab any old piece of crap off the shelves in secret. I confidently walked around the store and looked for particular items. I have pride (sort of), and I needed my accessories to fit my attire.





















Yeah. This mask was pretty funny. I think it's the eyes of a Corgi. I don't know about the other men out there, but if I rolled over and saw my sleeping companion wearing this mask in the moonlight, I would freak out. There is nothing more scary than seeing open eyes in the middle of the night—especially dog eyes on a human.

After writing and reflecting, I think it pretty obvious that I had too much fun in Clarie's today.