If Cheerios Were a Woman...

If Cheerios were a woman, she would be your first girlfriend from elementary school. The girl you first held hands with, and maybe, just maybe, kissed on the cheek.

Cheerios are the wholesome cereal. Cheerios were the first cereal before the other floozy cereals came and prostituted themselves with their sugars and their fancy marshmallows and fancy foldout boxes. Cheerios were the sweet girlfriend before the sex and relationships of fancier cereals.

But Cheerios are also fun and tasty. Infants often get fed this cereal in their high chairs, licking their hands and having the delightful O's stick to their palms since their motor skills aren't developed yet. Just like the first girlfriend: good for you but still fun. Cheerios aren't like the older women who nag you to lose weight or find a better job; those would be the Grape Nut women: flavorless and annoying.

Yes, the Cheerios are the innocent young girl you fell in love with when you were also young. The girl who was both sweet and good for you. The girl who first made you feel charming. The girl who first made you romantic. And, unlike any other cereal, she did it without tainting you to your upcoming life.

Just like your elementary school girlfriend with whom you did not break-up, your Cheerios relationship ended on good terms. You didn't have to have a huge fight to end things—you just said a sweet goodbye as you graduated from 6th grade. That's Cheerios.

Cheerios understand that you will always be drawn to the flash and glamor of the other cereals, but she's always willing to welcome you back with open arms if you take the time to buy her yellow box—because she's good for you like that, she's understanding like that, and she's sweet like that.